


from somewhere within

by MyShameMachine



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Family Issues, Forgiveness, Fred Weasley Lives, Gen, Invisibility Cloak (Harry Potter), Non-Linear Narrative, Not Canon Compliant, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags Are Hard, kind of?, spoilers through the 7 books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-20 21:57:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20682566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyShameMachine/pseuds/MyShameMachine
Summary: After the battle, it takes Percy a while to start up with his family again. He remembers everything that's happened with them, and no family is perfect, but they're trying.





	from somewhere within

**Author's Note:**

> so this probably isn't well written but whatever and i didn't reread book 7 so some stuff might be inaccurate
> 
> TW: Percy experiences suicidal thoughts several times in this fic, some of which are as a child. It is somewhat descriptive but not extremely, and these feelings are not well discussed with by other characters, though a brief conversation is had. If that's going to trigger you, please don't read this fic.

"Percy!" Fred calls from across the hall, and for a second, Percy doesn't turn around, but- "We meant it!" And so Percy turns, looking back at Fred. His hair is flattened against his head, water dripping down his face, and in an instant Percy realizes that Fred may actually want him there.

He turns, and walks back. His shoes squelch beneath him as he does, and this is what he tries to focus on. Not the people who have been here the whole time, loving and now losing, people who have the right to be traumatized by all that has gone down. People who are not him. But he's here now, he supposes. And he will do all he can to fight what he would not before.

Percy Weasley is not a hero, not like the other Weasleys. He has contributed to the circumstances that lead them here, to this battleground. It's not forgivable.

Percy reaches Fred, and with him the rest of the family. They stare at him, almost, and Percy remembers what he is. An outsider.

…..

"We're going to play Quidditch!" Bill shouts, head twisted back over his shoulder as he races out the door. Charlie follows, eager, as do the twins. Hesitantly, Percy rises too, because he does love Quidditch. It's just that-

"No Perfect Percy!" Shouts George, his seven year old face still so young and round. Percy pauses, and says, "Mom said it might storm today, and we aren't ready to use brooms while it storms, and you two aren't really supposed to be using brooms yet anyway-"

"Oh sod off, Perce, we'll be fine," Charlie rolls his eyes. Fred and George stick out their tongues as they run out, leaving Percy with Ron and Ginny. He sighed, looking at the book before deciding that perhaps he should at least try with them. They're practically babies, but maybe it would make Mum happy if he tried to play with them.

He headed up to Ron's room, the slightly larger one that the two usually played in. He knocked on the door, waiting for an answer.

"No!" Shrieked Ron, and Ginny giggled.

Oh. Well then. Percy left, picking the book back up again before going back to his room. Say what you will, Percy's not all dumb. He can tell when he's an outsider.

…..

Molly, as Percy would have guessed, breaks the silence.

"How- have you been?" She asks, timid. She reaches out a hand, jerkingly, before thinking better of it.

"As well as can be expected," he replies tonelessly, not truly responding.

"Don't give us that, Percy. Just don't." Ron says, and Percy startles when he looks at him. He looks tired, and so thin. A patch of mud sticks to his left cheek.

And Percy's not quite sure what to say. He'd known, of course, that being on the run couldn't have been fun, exactly, but he'd thought- Ron had been with Harry, so he'd thought-. Well, that had been foolish. Harry was a person, not a safety net.

This isn't a time for yelling, Percy decides. He shifts on his feet, looking up again.

"I'm ready for this to be over." He whispers. Ron looks him over for a second, and there is something sharper in his gaze than Percy has seen in him before. Not for the first time, Percy feels a pang of loss. Ron nods at him, the movement reflecting his new nature, and looks away.

There's another beat of silence, because Percy is lost and there is no easy fix to this.

"How've you been, Ron?" He says, and it means nothing but it's words, so it's a start. Ron looks back at him steadily.

"Alright, considering." And he gestures all around him, to those in mourning, and those who look like the people they've lost have been themselves. Percy wonders if somewhere along the way, he became one of them.

There is nothing more to say, and another awkward silence descends upon them. They don't speak again until after the battle, but Percy is there, and that's more than he could say before.

…..

They don't talk much after the battle either. So much of the whole war had had to fit into that one battle. Hogwarts had been resisting forever, if the accounts Aberforth sometimes whispered to him, late at night when everyone was asleep, can be believed. (And after everything- he trusts Aberforth.)

It's hard, afterward. The Ministry has to be rebuilt, and the one family dinner he attends is desperately awkward. He's lost whatever place he had.

…..

He's never had much place, he remembers one night over a lonely glass of red wine. He remembers how much refuge he'd felt in Penelope, in the teasing he'd got over her. That, he hadn't minded terribly. A silly teen love affair was worthy of a few teases, he could admit.

No, what bothered him was the reason he'd felt the need to take refuge in Penelope.

"I want to be a Ministry Official," he'd announced one day at breakfast. He was nine years old, and he remembers being so proud of his goal.

"Are you sure, Percy? There's other things to be happy in," His mother had said, shoving towards him a bowl of oatmeal before whirling back to the stove. His father nodded, eyes still glued to the paper.

"Don't be a pompous prat," Bill said, gulping down his oatmeal like he had somewhere else to be.

Percy said nothing, and in hindsight he should have. It became such a goal, to become a Ministry Official, because his parents didn't care. It had almost been spite, at first. He'd wanted to learn in spite of them, to study old textbooks, mouthing their secrets like prayers at night, head tucked between two sets of dusty covers.

…..

Some days, he's just so tired. He thinks, idly, of Apparating to nowhere, or far, far, off the ground and simply falling, of pointing his wand to his forehead and ordering his own death in a level voice, of visiting Charlie's dragons but not Charlie.

He remembers being, oh, was it twelve? And thinking such similar things. It had been falling then, too, if he recalls.

He can't do that, can't let his mother realize she's lost another son, so instead he visits Charlie himself.

It's perhaps six in the afternoon, when he knocks on the door.

Charlie opens it, rubbing his hand over his eyes.

"Percy?" He gapes, and Percy hesitates, taking a step back.

"Is everything okay? Look, it's a bit of a mess, but you can come on in," Charlie says, gesturing towards his apartment. He sounds so panicked, and Percy wonders if this is really what it's come to. It is, of course.

"I- yes, everything's fine." Percy replied, almost stammering. He stepped back forward, walking into the apartment.

The contrast between his and Percy's is immediately obvious and somehow saddening. Charlie's has paper strewn about, clothes everywhere, whilst Percy's is empty.

"What're you here for, then? Not that I'm complaining, I haven't anything better to do, it's just…" Charlie trails off, but Percy knows exactly what he means. He doesn't show up to dinners, family meetings, or anything to do with the family.

"You weren't in the war, really," Percy begins, not making eye contact, though he rarely does if he doesn't have to. He meant it to be a statement, but the edges come out questioning, so he wrings his hands a bit as Charlie begins to talk again.

"No." Charlie replies, almost sighing. "You weren't the only one a little blinded by career." He flops down on his couch, shoving… something out of the way, gesturing for Percy to join him.

"But you were there," he whispers, words tumbling out, "and you were in the Order and you helped, and you believed Harry so easily even though you didn't know him at all, and I…." He falters, taking a few steps forward but stopping short of joining Charlie.

"Different goals, I suppose. Different views. You forget, I grew up side by side with Bill, a Curse-Breaker. He knew some darker things." Charlie says, quietly. He doesn't say he was closer to the family than Percy was, even then.

They had always been in pairs, Percy thinks as he sits down.

Charlie and Bill.

Fred and George.

Ron and Ginny.

And Percy by himself.

"What brought this on, Percy?" Charlie asks, and perhaps it's best Percy had thought better of writing him in second year, and again, in third and after that forever, because Charlie would be even more concerned if he knew when-

…..

Percy had failed a test, and he still had 4 essays to do, and he inhaled, a pathetic gasp, because this was unbearable. How had everyone achieved under this? He was only in the second year, but he had to follow, he had to…

What if he didn't?

It occurs to him first, now, at twelve, that he doesn't have to. He thinks of the Astronomy Tower, of stars and a long, long, way down. Percy breathes, straightening his spectacles.

He gets to work, and that night he lives.

Tomorrow, he thinks of talking to Charlie, of tugging on his sleeve in the hallway, or even Bill, who was better at school but worse at people than Charlie. Surely, one of them could teach him how to breath.

The day passes, and he says nothing. But he lives.

And he lives,

And he lives,

And he lives,

And he lives.

…..

"Nothing new, I just…" And Percy trails off, not lying in the slightest, letting Charlie fill in the blanks. Because I was tired, maybe. Because I was lonely, probably. Because I was guilty, unquestionably.

"Nobody blames you, you know? Just like how nobody blames me. We were never… never very good at trying to understand what you wanted." Charlie ran a hand through his hair, breathing up at the ceiling.

Percy isn't sure what to say to that, so silence slips in like smoke, choking any words from their mouths. Percy sits down after a few minutes, and they sit in the silence.

It's not a night to be alone, Percy thinks, as another image of pointing his wand at his forehead and whispering- , appears unbidden in his head. He would never ask, but-

"Do you want to stay the night?" Charlie asks, not looking at him, something Percy's never minded in the slightest.

"Yes," Percy says, like an exhale, and this time Charlie does look over to him, eyebrow raised.

"Well, okay- do you want the couch or the bed?" Charlie said, a second too late.

"Couch is fine." Percy said, and Charlie got up, disappearing and appearing in again in a second, blanket in hand.

"Here." Charlie said, tossing it at him. Percy tried to catch it, but didn't quite as it fell in his lap.

"Thanks," he called, not turning his head. Charlie gave some muffled grunt of acknowledgement from the kitchen, and Percy was awake a long time before he fell asleep that night.

……

"What are you doing?" George called from behind him, and Percy windmills for a second,ice filling his stomach as he almost falls like he's imagined so many times.

While fourteen might seem ancient in theory, to a child of that age, it is so very young in practice, and Percy hadn't really intended to die as he begins to tip over the edge-

And George catches him.

"Percy!" He yells, gripping impossibly tightly. Percy is so aware of everywhere George is touching him, knows it will feel odd for a time after, even though it won't bruise. He realizes he is breathing heavily.

"George, you startled me!" He said, pulling free.

"What were you doing, Percy?" George ignored the statement, sounding half dangerous, moving towards him, hands outstretched as if to catch him again.

"Catching some fresh air, George! There are wards against jumpers, I was never in danger!" Perhaps it's foolish to mention jumping, as he knows only too well that what you think of comes to mind more quickly than anything else, but it was obvious what he had been half-considering.

George eyed him suspiciously.

"Well… don't, okay?" He said eventually.

"Of course not!" Percy replied, indignant.

After a while George tells him what he'd come up here for, but Percy doubts either of them ever really forgot it.

…..

When Charlie wakes up the next morning, there's only a folded blanket left on the couch.

…..

Percy goes to the next family dinner, and everyone is quiet around him, but nobody is intentionally cruel.

Charlie says nothing about his visit and abrupt departure but nods approvingly.

Ginny announces that she's pregnant, and there is a great hullabaloo around her, and afterward somehow Percy is next to her.

"Hullo, Percy," she says, hand holding what Percy realizes is a glass of non-alcoholic wine.

"Congratulations, Ginny," He says, trying not to cringe at how awkward he sounds.

"Why weren't you there?" She asks, blunt. It isn't the first time she's asked it, the first time Percy stumbled around the question. They both know she means at her wedding.

"I was, and I was at Bill's, as well," he whispers, finally. And he had been, too.

…..

Percy pulled the cloak around him, praying that his Silencing Charm would hold. The Ministry couldn't know he was here, that would risk his career, but it was mainly for Bill. He wouldn't ruin his special day by causing a fuss, but he wasn't about to miss it either.

Fleur looked almost like she was floating as she walked down the aisle, but the thing Percy will remember best is Bill's face. He looks radiantly happy. The vows are said, and Percy edges closer. He puts his head in his hands, sitting down at one of the tables as the dancing began, near the edge. Bill was forever going to think he missed his wedding.

He stays there as the dancing begins, gasping every so often so he wouldn't cry.

"I know you're there," Bill whispered from beside him, and he jerked up his head quickly, uncasting the Silencing Charms.

"Bill, it's just me." He whispered, quiet, urgent, as a surge of hopeless joy stabbed him. Bill knew he was there!

"Out a second," Bill whispered back, still harshly toned.

They slipped out the massive tent quickly, and Percy removed the cloak.

"What's my favorite book," Bill said, wand out.

"Curse-Broken: How Curse Breaking Ruined my Life and Saved it by Robert Graves," Percy recounted quickly.

"What's my favorite candy," he challenged in return.

"Lemon Drops," Bill responded easily. "Now, what're you doing here, Percy?"

"You're my brother." He said, voice quivering slightly. "We may have different opinions about the Ministry, but… you're my brother still."

"If you came back, we would forgive you." Bill replied, softly, and there was a pause. Percy adjusted his glasses.

"I can't do that yet." He admitted, polishing his glasses on his shirt. A thought struck him, and he looked back up. "How'd you know I was there?"

"Being bitten by a sort of werewolf was good for something." Bill tapped his nose, winking.

"Are you going to chuck me out now?" Percy asked, suddenly.

"You're my brother, pull that cloak back on," Bill replied, and walked back into the tent.

Percy shrugged, then pulled the cloak back on.

Maybe the wedding got interrupted, but he was there.

…..

It was a week before Ginny's wedding, then a day, two hours… and Percy wasn't doing anything.

He was sitting at home, studiously filling out paperwork and ignoring his problems, as per usual when he got a knock at the door. It was unlikely to be anyone of importance, Percy thought, sighing, as he flung open the door.

"Come on, Percy," Bill said. "Can't miss a wedding." He was grinning almost impishly.

"I can't, I have-" Percy gestured to the stack of papers, shoving his glasses upward on his nose.

Bill sighed comically, pulling an invisible cloak out from the lining of his jacket. He held it out to Percy.

"Oh, alright." Percy said, pulling the cloak towards him, protectively.

Bill held out a hand, and they Apparated there together.

…..

"He was." Bill called from ten feet over, and Ginny narrowed her eyebrows.

"Invisibility cloak with Silencing Charms," Percy supplied, helpfully.

Her mouth opened in shock, and Percy cringed back.

And somehow Arthur was there, speaking, but Percy wasn't listening for a moment, so he lost part of what was said-

"... we would like to have you there no matter what, Percy. You're family." Arthur said, and suddenly Percy was crying, heaving sobs into his goblet.

So he barely registered Arthur moving forward, and in what seemed like an instant, Arthur was hugging him tightly.

"Thank you for being there in any capacity, Percy. We want you there."

And for the first time in a long time, Percy considered that they actually did.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed whatever this is
> 
> I'm considering writing a sequel/second chapter, if you would like one please say so below. I'd also like to know if you'd like more percy content.
> 
> I do take requests, but I reserve the right to refuse them, and I often take a long long long time to write things as bc im busy
> 
> The title is from "Oceans" by Seafret.
> 
> thanks for reading!


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